I wasn’t sure if I was going to write a post today or not, usually that’s the way I am on most days, but lately the urge to write just hasn’t been there and so I don’t force it. The last thing I want is for my blog to be full of random things just because I wanted to “post” something, anything on my blog for the day. But I spent my whole morning doing paperwork for my patients and so I had a lot of down time, quiet time, me time. Then I spent my lunch break scouring the internet for races to complete my 2013 race calendar. As I got up to refill my water bottle the thought occurred to me: Am I a well-rounded individual or do I let myself get set on one thing?
And so began my rapid thoughts…
I often struggle with self-confidence and while having something like a blog to be able to see accomplishments set out in front of you is great I also often find that sometimes this blog makes me even more self-conscious. I find it silly when I see people apologizing for not posting for a few days, weeks or often months, for goodness sakes, it’s your blog, post whenever you want to! I know I’ve been guilty at times of wanting to feel apologetic about not posting, as if people are sitting on the edge of their chairs just waiting to read my latest, most earth-shattering thoughts and ideas. I mean have we come to a point in society where we are a slave to instant-this and instant-that and you have to portray yourself in a positive light at all times or else you will lose face that we forget what we are doing and what is really important? Sometimes I truly struggle with this.
I absolutely want to grow my blog. But why? Good question. I really don’t know; it’s not like I have anything amazing to share and I’m not an expert at anything whatsoever so why do I feel the pressure? Now obviously there is nothing wrong with wanting to grow my blog but what price am I willing to pay? The answer is very little. I want this blog to be for me and me alone. I want it to be on my terms when I feel comfortable and when I have something to say. I do want this blog to be for me to go back and see and remember important things in my life but again, that’s for me.
I’ve sat down many times in an attempt to write a 2012 recap but every time I sit down I feel overwhelmed by the task. I still want to do the recap, for my own benefit, not yours but it may be February before it gets done. There are also things I want to write about that happened in 2012 that I forgot to write about but want to remember, those will probably come too, but who knows when.
Sometimes I feel the pressure to blog about things the moment they happen or else I’m going to forget. Or people will want to know right away about this or that. Or if I don’t post about this within the week it won’t mean anything to anyone. I know a few of you read this blog but I mean who really needs to read something that happened yesterday, you will probably forget by tomorrow anyways.
I have all these thoughts and aspirations for this little blog here and I want to establish myself as a known running blogger but I also want to be well rounded. I think: well maybe I should talk about what I wear too and maybe I should talk more about what I eat, or maybe I should talk about what I read and things I do throughout the day. But then all those thoughts overwhelm me and I realize that I just love running. Plain and simple as that is, that’s what I love. Sure if you knew me in real life you would know I have other great attributes and I’m sure that Alex isn’t marrying me for my running abilities but running is my passion. It’s my joy and it’s what gets me through each day. But sometimes I’m selfish with my running, sometimes I don’t want to share and that’s ok.
Right now, well I’m running and I’m training for yet another marathon, but I honestly don’t have a lot to say about that right now. Yes, I also just planned out the rest of my races for 2013 and I have already picked my goal marathon for December as well, but I don’t really want to talk about that yet either. I also have ideas floating in my head for 2014 and bigger and better running adventures, but again, I’m not ready to share those.
I’m not sure why I feel so contemplative today or why I’m coming off so negative – I don’t mean to be negative at all. I really do want to grow my blog and I really do love writing about my adventures and having a place to document my success. And I really do love all my readers and those that comment and give me support and encouragement. But lately I just feel like being silent. I’m sure that will change come Monday and then I’ll have to go back and write about all the things that have been floating around in my head but for now I’m just going to let it be.
I love reading everyone’s year end reviews and I have loved seeing all the resolutions and goals people have, it sparks my interests and causes me to sit throughout my lunch break dreaming of bigger and better things. I’m thankful for the blogging community for just that, even if at times it’s overwhelming and it makes me self-conscious. I always wonder if I train enough, do I run enough miles, do I do enough cross-training, do I run enough races, do I run too many races. Should I do more of this or that? I don’t really know the answers to those questions, all I know is this is who I am. I love running, plain and simple. What you see is what you get.